What would life be if I made other choices?
it’s time to listen to myself, instead of the other voices
it breaks my heart that it took me 3 years to learn this lesson
i can’t tell if this was love or just obsession
it’s like i’m hurt but i knew this was coming
this was never real, i just needed to feel something
i’m finally at my breaking point
i would have rather been at gun point
at least i would go faster
this was always a game of chess & you are the grandmaster
i got to see you play but i couldn’t see the pattern
the reason that i stayed, doesn’t even matter
but the day i choose to go, my heart shatters
i would have rather been at gun point
if i saw my life flash before my eyes
the decision wouldn’t have been a surprise
the angels would have advised
and you would have not appeared
in the memories where i’m smiling from ear to ear
where im laughing so hard my stomach turns
the light is filled with so much love, it burns
instead you’d be far in the back of my mind
you’re what i survived
not why i’m alive
you would have been in the memories where my life is falling apart
&this is why i’m on knees praying to God, that i could restart
sometimes i avoid the issue
and other times i run head first
full force
i let it run its course
and i stay the victim
trapped in the system
praying for love, when i should be praying for wisdom
i attack the things i shouldn’t
and start doing things i wouldn’t
I put a lot of blame on you for the way things turned out but the truth of the matter is that it’s not your fault. You were never going to be the man I wanted you to be & it was unfair to put my unrealistic expectations on you & get mad at you when you couldn’t compete
knowing your character, and your decisions to lie and cheat
how could i ever imagine you’d be good to me?
we’ve been having the same conversation for 3 years
rinse
wash
repeat.
i’m getting real specific
so there’s no confusion
you fuel my soul
but only with delusion
so it’s on me
i’ll take the blame
& i take full responsibility
with not a drop of shame
listen, cause i let it happen
the witness & perpetrator
what you put away to hide
will always show up later
i only write this well when it comes to you
who will i be once we are through?
i was all in yesterday but now I’m through
i’m done
just when i thought i couldn’t get enough
you really did your big one
you really think you won
give me a years time
at last i listening to the signs
it’s all on me
i have finally set myself free
i can finally be the woman i want to be
and see the results i want to see
so why am i so stressed?
i’m left in a puddle of my own mess
i’m writing this to confess that
i’m finally at my breaking point
and now i can finally rejoice
what’s their left to say?
“she told me she wanna have sex today
she ones of them of ones
she told she want me to fuck up a check today
put her hair in a bun
she told me she just wanna give me the neck today”
evidently was your downfall
i’ve literally never felt so hurt and so small
now when that doesn’t work out for you, you will have no one to call
and no one to write
and no one who will know you for you in this life
cause i was there before the fame
do you think you’re the person you claim?
i’m going through revelations in this essay
you have always been worried about what they will say
i’m finally at my breaking point but i also finally got my way.