As the end of the year approached, I felt a lot of emotions. I am not yet looking back on the year I usually do that around January or the end of December, but last year it felt weird, the year went by way to fast. I don not even remember some of the things I have done unless I see the pictures or videos of that period. I had a lot of expectations for 2025 did I achieve those expectations. In short yes, in long no. I have reached some goals indeed, which is much better than the year before. But of course there are some goals that I am still sad about not reaching, I still luckily have time. Or do I? It’s strange how time works, it feels like just yesterday I started a new chapter in life, did things I once could only dream of.
I know now that I am a very nostalgic person and as I look back at some memories of last year I realized these things. I lost, found, lost and found myself again and again. Reminds me of a good movie lost and found (1996) by Lee Chi-Ngai. Slumps hit from corners I had not even expected. At some point it felt like I truly stopped living, like I was watching my life play out in front of me and I was just watching not actually participating. Strange how we humans get those feelings a lot.
I am evolving everyday learning growing. Periods enter where that does not feel like thats the case. But then again I go out of those periods and enter them again and again. It’s like a circle everything keeps coming back one way or another. Last year I really wanted to focus on myself and try to find the joy in my hobbies again, I did exactly that. I started reading fully again, I finished a full painting, I published a few writings of mine, I studied a new subject. Things I always enjoyed. This year I also wanted to meet new people…
Yeah I met a handful of new people, some have left my life ( not dead just not close anymore) others have come back again. Some I sadly have to let go, because that spark is not there anymore as much as I try to fuel it- it will not burn. I realize now that meeting new people is all fun and games but having to open my soul to so many I felt like I lost some of myself in those people. I know now that I like the friends I have had for years and hope to be friends with for longer. its so strange opening yourself up to somebody just for them to turn around and act like you never existed. Questions build all around my mind: Did I say something to make them uncomfortable, was I acted to friendly, did they not like my personally.
Questions like this keep popping into my head when I look back on those people. Its true they don not owe me a thing, but a sudden switch up felt strange. I can understand not wanting to be friends with somebody once you get to know them, but one day we are as cackling and talking, the next its a block. as frustrating as it is not being able to know why they felt this way, my only solution is to move forward with a clear mind and wish the best for those who have come and go.
Actually looking back at 2025, I realized these things. I curate and enjoy the things I like and do not have to feel embarrassed by these things or explain why I like them. in 2025 I felt a lot of emotions rather it be positive or negative. I created new memories, but one thing that never changed about me in 2025 was being surrounded with love. My friends ugh how much I love them, I could write hours and hours on these girls.
As I entered 2026 I was in bed watching movies all day long and at midnight I counted down with my mom and sister, but something just felt wrong as soon as the clock hit 00:00. I don't know how to word it or how to even describe it, but something just felt wrong like I was missing something. Januari is almost over and yet it does not yet feel like a new year. Maybe that feeling will arrive in February but who knows.
All in all I am grateful I got to 2025, one chapter closes as a new one opens. And to my friends who I know won't read this thank you, even tho those "friends" who left Idk if they are reading this but. Thank you I wish you all the best in 2026 and hope you make it far.
Farewell ditto