Today I woke up and laid in the bed. Probably for an hour and a half. I looked over at my son quite a few times as he tossed around in his sleep. I could tell he was going to wake up soon. I wasn’t doing anything particularly important. Just playing one of my favorite mobile games. There was a story mode that I didn’t realize I never completed, so I did that.

After a while I began to hear my father’s voice coming from his office. It sounded like he was disputing someone. I know who it is, but I won’t mention her name. Because honestly, I don’t care for her very much. We still have some discrepancies between us that have yet to be resolved. So I wasn’t at all surprised to hear that perhaps there was something between them also going on behind the scenes.

At any rate, I couldn’t wait for my father to leave the house because I knew he’d be going to set for whatever film he was playing an acting role in. So I sat there, trying my best not to make any noise, avoiding confrontation. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I want to relish in my own presence and be content with myself and whatever four walls surround me. My son is never a bother. He can’t get in the way of that. I would never push him aside, and I would never abandon him for my own selfish reasons. But that’s another story and probably trauma to unpack another day.

Eventually I heard my father walk out the door, and with a sigh of relief I got up and began to get ready to leave as well. My son tossed a few more times before he eventually woke up, and I prompted him to wash his face and brush his teeth so we could get ready to leave.

But first I was hungry, and because I was hungry I knew he probably was too. So I made him a bowl of oatmeal and he sat at the table and ate while he watched his tablet. I ordered some food from DoorDash. Boneless wings. There was a two for one deal so I got twelve, boneless, wet, lemon pepper wings, and to my surprise they threw an extra in, so the total was thirteen.

I ate. Watched my son brush his teeth. Got his things together. Got us both dressed, and we left for the day. I won’t be coming back.

I walked out to see that my rear tire needed air again. It had been slowly going flat for about a week, but I hadn’t had the money to patch it or get a new used tire, so I’d been filling it up at every chance I got. The first gas station we stopped at didn’t have a working air pump. Ironically, I had just been there a few days prior to fill my dad’s rear tire, so it was just my luck. We had to drive to another gas station further down where I could fill it up. Which was fine; it didn’t take much time.

On the way there though, a red light started flashing on my dashboard as the car beeped. My engine was overheating because I was low on coolant. So when we stopped for the air, I also put some coolant in my car. I expected it to happen, so I had some in my trunk ready to go.

In the midst of all this I texted my son’s mother to see if it was okay for us to come by her house. I always drop him off on Sundays because I go to work at eleven o’clock and I can’t keep him through the night. She replied and said she needed a few more hours, and I was fine with that. I decided we’d spend some time at the park. ******** Park, just about five minutes away from our house. So after our drive we stopped by the park and stayed there for a few hours.

There were plenty of people, friends as my son likes to call them, for him to play with, so he really enjoyed himself. There’s even a body of water where ducks roam around and people fish. The day had a slight breeze, not too hot, lots of clouds in the sky so the shade was prevalent. It was really the perfect day at the park.

As I watched my son play, I couldn’t help but think about the extended message I sent someone the night before. Someone I’d been emotionally involved with, romantically and physically. I had to let her know that we weren’t in alignment and that I didn’t want to leave her wrong. Because if she expects marriage and kids with me, she’s deeply mistaken about my position and my vision for my future. And my son.

So I sent a concrete message. It was long and detailed. I left no room for mistake. I know it probably hurt her to read it, and it didn’t hurt me to write it or send it. But I did find myself thinking about it sitting on that park bench. How the things we do and say can deeply affect someone’s emotions and worldview. Gravely impact them.

Still, I felt that I was being emotionally responsible and highly self-aware. Things had gone on far too long and it had to come to an end. Sometimes people want things so bad that they blind themselves from the truth, or the reality of what the other person is saying. I think this was one of those cases. I hope there won’t be any bad blood because I truly don’t like to cut people off or banish people from my life, or be banished from theirs. But alignment is highly important.

So, this is what I thought about at the park. Watching the clouds pass by. Looking at how green the trees were, vibrant and bright. The sunlight, luminous sunrays. Watching the kids play. I couldn’t help but think about how they have no clue what’s in store for them as far as interpersonal relationships go. It’s so easy at this point. There aren’t very many emotions involved with friends at that age, five, six, seven. How deeply can you impact someone by not wanting to share your toys with them? Or push them on the swing?

Life can be so complicated.